Where did the time go?

I don't blog often anymore.  I typically wait for the nudging thoughts to keep coming to my brain, and then I write them down.  I have a few lost in the abyss and never posted, but that's ok too. 
Lately my brain keeps going too, "where did the time go?"  19 years ago, I was working full time, loving life and watching my belly grow.  Steve and I were BEYOND excited to become parents.  I marveled and was in awe as to how this tiny thing was actually growing.  I had 4 teenage boys that hung out at my house most evenings and they kept us laughing.  I knew then, I loved teenagers.  Their carefree, crazy attitudes just made me laugh. 
I think I've "Loved" every stage, (not true there are a few I don't want to do again).  But I told the girls this week, I would freeze them right now.  They are all in school, all living under my roof (which gets quite messy, but we manage), they are pretty independent, however they always come back.  I love to watch the thought process of them.  When they were infants everything was a first, food, walking, talking etc.  But this is so much more fun.  Their first job, cars, cars breaking down, relationships with friends, vacations, careers, colleges, life goals and experiences.  You get to see their thought processes, and sometimes there seems to be no thought at all :)  You get to see where their heart is at. 
So as we plan out the next few months for Leah's Senior year, I keep thinking.  Please freeze!  Please stop, I'm not ready!  I like the talks I get to have with her.  I like listening to her, I like saying "well thought out,"  or "what were you thinking?"  I like saying, "Good night, I love you," no matter what time she comes home at night, (confession: sometimes I text it to her if I get to tired to stay awake.)

I'm so excited for her and all her plans for the next year.  I LOVE her passion and drive in life.  I love when she calls or text me for random questions.  I guess all in all, there isn't a whole lot of point to this post.  Just a mom, that's not ready.  I will be ready!  I refuse to stand in my kids way of
soaring.  We raise them to be independent and to follow God's calling.  But don't be surprised when I'm standing there crying.  It's just my way of processing :)  I'll be ok. 
Good thing we had 5 children.  Not gonna lie, I'll be a hot mess every time they graduate and I'm ok with that. 

BIRTHDAY!!!

The day!  My birthday!  This year was different.  A different feeling I guess.  I started out the beginning of the week, explaining to my family, "It's my birthday week."  I got minimal responses and realized, I am the only one that cares about this.  Why am I making a big deal out of it?  So, there went my fun attitude.  I made a cake for the twins over the weekend (their half birthday, needs cake :) so we ate that for a few days. 
Yesterday the kids were asking, "what are we doing tomorrow?"  I told them, Brooke had an MD appt and then I was going to work.  3 times I heard, "You're working on your birthday?"  3 times I asked them, "did you plan anything for me on my birthday?"  They all said, "no."  THEN YES I'M WORKING!!!  Work likes me, they appreciate me, they smile when I walk in the door.  As you can tell, my attitude was less than desirable.
The day went as planned, Brooke had her appointment, all good.  Coming home from her appointment I got a call from a man.  He's in Florida.  Every year I get a call from this sweet man and he says "Happy Birthday" and tells me he loves me and we shoot the breeze for awhile.  On Wednesday this sweet man had heart issues was admitted to the hospital, had to have a heart cath and stent.  When my mom called, my heart sank.  Dad was doing well, but I wasn't there. And I wanted to be there. Be there for my mom, and be there to scold my dad.  What was he doing?  I need him!!  So Wednesday was hard, and sad.  I was crying and the twins asked why.  I explained what was going on and that I was mad.  Mad at health problems, mad a grandpa, just mad, and sad.  They said, "you can't be mad at grandpa, he's fine."  Because grandpa is always "fine."
When I got to talk to him today, my mood changed.  This is the BEST present ever.  I felt complete. From there the day got better.  Work was great.  Kids cleaned the house (that's NEVER happened, I'm thinking my mom called them :), received amazing notes and poems from them girls, and thought, maybe they are going to be ok.  I even said to them, "I didn't know you liked me."  It sounds strange, but I wonder most days. 
I got wonderful messages on social media/text and finished the day laughing the night away with friends.  I am blessed!  My attitude has changed.  At the age of 42, I still needed an attitude adjustment, and a reality check I guess. 
My dad thanked me today for not yelling at him about the "heart incident." It wasn't and incident it was a heart attack.   When I heard his voice, I couldn't yell at him. I cried and my heart is so full.  Like anyone, we always need more time.  More time to love and learn.  Once my dad finds out I blogged about this I may be in trouble, but I'll take the risk.  He's a good man, they are a great couple.  And I am thankful 42 years ago, they allowed me to come to their party!! 

Blogging Neglect

It appears I have been neglecting the blog (per my daughter).  In actuality, I have written a couple post, but never published them.  Why?  I don't know. I figure with everyone's busy lives, who has time to read this?  But it's time for an update. 
Summer was great!!  All the same things, and better.  Leah spent time in Africa, at Beautiful Gate.  An orphanage.  They left a wonderful imprint in her heart.  Her stories brought us to tears!  So happy she had this experience.
We did our usual camping and even got the family up to the U.P.  I must say, I LOVED it up there.  The kids really seemed to have fun as well.   I felt like we had everything we needed, our family and limited cell phone service.  We did nothing out of the ordinary, but I enjoyed the time with my hubby and girls.  When we got cell phone service I called my mom and heard, "That's the LONGEST I've gone without talking to you guys.  I missed you!!!"  So refreshing!  Because we missed grandma too!



School started with it's normal routines.  It was nice to get back into a routine and the kids were excited to see their friends.  With that comes sports and activities.  So life carries on.  We had the pleasure of going to Cedar Point with Give Kids the World and Leah, Megs and I got to go to a Luke Bryan concert.   I must say these ages of the girls are my favorites!  (Megan says I say every year is my favorite. Maybe true!). When the girls were little we stayed home (the best we could),  hunkered down and tried to figure it out.  Going away was so much work.  Now you just say, "get in the car" and you leave.  I've tried to enjoy each stage, but I think I want to freeze time now :) 

Brooke has been holding her own (as always).  Labs were done for her immune system and so far so good.  She had some issues with her kidney and liver functions but it appears that is a result of A LOT of antibiotic use.  Brooke has essentially been on antibiotics since June for sinus issues.  It doesn't really seem to do anything.  We've been to her PCP, an ENT locally (not a good idea), then back to PCP, then to infectious disease, then to pulmonology, then to BMT (transplant doctor), then to ENT at Devos.  I feel bad for these doctors but they are great!  It appears the result is going to be sinus surgery.  Not the answer we wanted, but with a lot of MD's consulting each other they decided that is the best option.  It's amazing when the doctors ask me questions I tell them to ask Brooke.  I only know what I can observe.  So they ask how often she has headaches, and she looks at them and says, "like right now and every day."  And stomach aches, "everyday."  Not a day goes by that this kid is not in pain.  Rarely does she complain about it!  She only complains if the pain prevents her from doing something.  And then her goal is to dull the pain so she can carry on with life.  With that being said, her kidney doctor said no more ibuprofen and limited acetaminophen because her kidneys and liver can't handle it.  Not sure what else you use for pain medicine, but we are going to try positive attitudes :)  Kinda feel at a loss for the poor kid some days. 
All long time ago, Steve and I decided that Brooke needed to live her life without fear.  No fear of illness or setbacks.  Just to love life.  And Brooke has done just that!  She amazes us and is a true example of perseverance!.
Brooke's surgery is November 14, Lord willing.  She currently has a worse cold than normal, and I know they won't do surgery if she sounds like she does now.  So, we do inhalers and nose sprays to try and ward this off. 
I'll keep you updated as to how she does.  Praying she breezes on through and can drain those sinus's in the end.

Happy Birthday Sweet girl! (October 21)

I'm going to admit, this isn't the birthday I've looked forward to.  Our sweet girl is 18!  What, an adult?! Do you ever think of your kids as adults?  I'm starting to think not.  Leah was the sweet baby that taught us how to be parents.  Leah was the baby I brought home and cried and prayed I wouldn't mess her up.  Who told me I was fit to be a parent?  What did I know about parenting? 
Leah was the toddler that told us and showed us she was going to pave her own way.  We had our battles, and our goal was to train her without breaking her spunky spirit.  We learned some amazing parenting tactics with help of great friends and family. 

Leah got to 8-10 years old and we could start to reason with her.  We could explain if you do something, this is the consequence.  Sometimes she'd choose the consequence with a smile on her face.  Gotta love her for it. 
Teenage years were better than we imagined. She's been a delight.  I told someone recently, "I would freeze time right now, if I could."  But I can't.  I don't want her to grow up.  I selfishly want her to stay home, by us, forever.  To enjoy life and not have to grow up. 

But reguardless our sweet sweet girl is 18!!!  She's finishing up her Senior year and heading to college.  She's aware I will be a hot mess (actually the hot mess started when she started school this year.)  I just love her SOOOOOO much!!!  With that, she will tell me to stop typing and get a grip!

So  HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY SWEET SWEET LEAH!!   Thank you for everything you have taught us!  We look so forward to many years of memories and teachings!

This man!!!

What do I say about this man????   I think he was pretty great!  He is my grandpa. 

 

 It's hard to describe him.  I am obviously biased.  To the untrained eye, they might describe him as "gruff."  To me, I can say he Loved and he was Loved!

When I was 18 years old I was standing in his kitchen, by the sink.  He came up and said, "how's grandpa's favorite grand daughter?"   I smiled as always and said, "great!"  And gave him a big hug.  I then looked at him and said, "Oh my!!!  I'm you're only grand daughter!"  He laughed and laughed and laughed.  Obviously I should've caught on to that before I was 18, but he made me feel so special, that it never occurred to me.  In grandpa's eye's his grandkids were something very special. 

 

 When my cousin Dustin was born, (a long time ago) for some reason my grandpa always called in Gustin.  We would laugh, but no one dare correct him.  He was grandpa, we just let it go.

When Brooke got sick, my grandpa (a man of few words) said to me, with tears in his eyes "I will not out live my great grand daughter."  And he cried.  That was it.  He would not elaborate.  He had nothing else to say.  He just hugged me. 

My grandpa and I had something.  I can't tell you what it was, but I felt like I got him.  I felt like he got me.  Maybe it's because I was his only grand daughter.  A couple weeks ago I was at the assisted living grandpa was at.  The aide came in to help him and he said to her, "you can leave, Shelly will help me.  She's here now."  It made me happy.  I would/will do anything for my grandparents.  But sometimes you feel helpless. 

My grandparents were married 69 years!!  CRAZY, right???  You don't hear of that.  My grandma said yesterday, "we had our arguments.  If married people say they don't fight, it's a lie, and it's not healthy."   So true. A healthy relationship is learning to compromise.  And sometimes doing what you really don't want to for someone else.  But in the end being there for each other for the long haul. 

My grandparents were also always young.  I know that sounds dumb, but you get older people that sit in their chair and hang out, and then there was my grandpa, always in his barn, riding quads, chopping wood, gardening, going to auctions, mowing, dumpster diving.  He was busy and active. 

All in all, I shared memories of a great man.   This man LOVED his family.  And this family of girls LOVED their grandpa.  He will be terribly missed, but I am SOOOOOO happy that my girls got to meet him.  Even the toughest of men has a soft heart for grand kids. 

We love you grandpa!!  Until we meet again!!!

What's your style?

What's you're style?   This question has been asked to me many times.  With clothing, houses etc.  I've never known how to answer.  Until recently..........

You see this is happening. 

The porch is coming down and being redone.  After talking about it so much EVERYONE wants to puke, it's happening.  Luckily, we have relation that's a builder, otherwise we would be fired as clients.  When asked, what do you want done, we say, "the porch needs to be redone."  He is aware of that.  It's OBVIOUS!!!  But there's decking to pick out, walls to be redone, the ceiling.  Our answer, "surprise us."  We have friends that this conversation would make them cringe.  And I get it, and I'm so sorry.  This has been a revelation to me. 
I was again recently asked, "what's the style in your house? That will help you."  As I walked around today I realized, our "style" is family.  Our walls are covered with drawings the kids have made, a framed picture of a combine at sunset, an old hat Steve use to wear, pictures of the family and I found a lot of dirty fingerprints.  ALL OUR FAVORITES!!! (maybe minus the finger prints :) 
I got to go shopping with friends this weekend.  Had a GREAT time.  But I again thought about my style and laughed.  I bought 2 t shirts and I am convinced they can be worn to work, out to dinner and church.  That's a lot of pressure for a 6 dollar t shirt. But that's my style :) 

It took me a long time to come to grips with who I am, or who I'm not.  It seems to be a struggle for so many.  Trying to form into a mold, or style.  Everyone has their own, but in the end, as Christians we all strive for the same thing.  To raise awesome kids who love the Lord, and an eternity with our Heavenly Father. 

As for the porch.  You better stay tuned.  I know it'll look good.  I have the MOST confidence in my builder. 

Grateful!

That's what we are today!  Grateful for another day.  For 7 years post transplant!  For 5 pretty healthy girls! For family and friends. 
Tonight I looked back at pictures of the twins.  When they were born, their first year. And I thought, "why?" and "how did we make it?"  and "where did the time go?" 
As days go on, I sometimes forget the many lessons learned. I get irritated.  Frustrated with the non listening kids.  My patience grows thin.  And then I sit and reminisce.  Not everyone is given this chance.  We did nothing different than any other family with a sick child, the results were just different.  Which means, I have to be different.  God called as a Christians to not conform to this world.  We were so fortunate to live this miracle!!!  Thank you Jesus!!  Thank you for changing lives!! 


Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; For this is God's will for you in Jesus Christ.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18   (A great friend sent me this verse today.  THANK YOU!)