12 years!!!

12 years ago we went in for an ultra sound.  I'm sure most of you have heard the story.  We brought the 3 girls with us to "see" their new sibling.  The tech asked Steve to sit down.  He responded "I know there are twins in there."  (I didn't have his same feeling)  The tech said, "I need to make sure there aren't more than 2."  I broke out in hives and cried.  Not a happy cry, but a fearful cry.  Why would God give us twins?  I don't know how to do this, we don't have money for this, I'm gonna mess this up.  Steve smiled and was calm.  Assured me we could do this.  No worries. He did agree it might be a financial stretch but we'd figure it out.  I was definitely questioning God's decision.

I had no idea how our life would be.  But as people are in quarantine these days, I'm able to watch 2 girls, that are best friends.  Steve and I couldn't help but laugh tonight at them, laughing, chasing each other, biking, playing on the tramp, playing cards and just being there for each other.  Now, obviously, it's not always this way, but God SOOOOOOO knew what He was doing.  Why do we question God's decisions and greatness?  I don't know, but I know in the past 12 years, I've learn how amazing He is, and how following His leading is so rewarding and better than my best laid out plans.

Welcome!!!!

So here we are, in the forefront of a viral "pandemic."  So much different information, you don't who to believe and at times you are scared silly. 
There's been a lot of talk with my kiddo's about this.  Steve even sent out a pole as to "how crazy are you right now?"  Brooke said to me, "I'm fine mom, calm, cool and collected."  (at this point).  As the girls and I talked about other families responses to this and fears, our daughter said, "welcome to our life."  What you are all living is a day in the life of SCIDS. 
We've been asked numerous questions, however, since the TV has been off, this is no different for Brooke.  Except she isn't allowed to watch the news and she can't go to school.  However, we've gotten called from school that measles or chickenpox is going around.  So we keep Brooke home.  It's not uncommon that Leah and I come home from work, put scrubs in the washer and change or shower.  When Brooke was a baby the girls did this when they came home from school every day. 

I remember the first time I brought Brooke to an outing with all the girls.  It was a church event and to say I was paralyzed by fear is an understatement.  However I was surrounded by amazing friends.  They helped with the older girls.  Someone sat with Brooke, away from the crowds of people.  I will forever be grateful for all of them.  When I look at those pictures I can feel the gripping fear, HOWEVER I don't let that feeling last.  I turn my thoughts to the good. 

I see many people focusing on the gripping fear.  What if, what if what if?  I played that in my head for many years.  Steve told me over and over until it was ingrained in my brain and heart, "Give it to God, Give it to God, Give it to God."  Give the fear to God, but more than that, give our loved ones to God.  Does that mean we don't pray for their safety daily?  No way.  Does that not mean we do what we feel is in our duty?  No.  But everyone's comfort level is different. 

I pray daily for my family and friends.  If they do get this, I will continue to pray for them and help as I can.  But I know, God's got this.  As my sister in law said, "Our God is bigger than this virus."

I never wanted anyone to learn what it's like to live with SCIDS, but the world is getting a crash course.  Welcome, my friends!!  Please find God's peace and know He's got this!!!

"I'm taking a break!"

When the kids were little we had a toy fire truck that would say, "I'm taking a break!"  Today that saying kept coming to mind and it made me chuckle.
With all they hysteria lately I think everyone has felt that way, and whether they want to or not, they are forced to slow down and take a break.
Last week I was in Florida visiting my parents.  Brooke and I were facetiming and I could tell on her sweet face she was distraught.  She didn't want to tell me why, and then she started crying.  The news had said "immunocompromised people were most at risk for coronovirus and could die."  She said to me, "mom, that's me."  My heart broke!!!  Grandma and I were both in tears.  I explained to her God has brought her this far, we cannot live in fear.  Steve happened to be gone, but it was a welcome sight when I saw Leah come into view and comfort her sister.
The direction at this household is stay off social media and no watching the news.  It's nice Leah and I work for the hospital so we get up to date, true information and Steve stays on top of the news and emails we need to know.
For our household this is not new.  We wash our hands and are aware of what's going on around us.  Bleach is a smell this house knows well for the past 11 years.  But when society scares my child to tears, our mamma bear instincts come out.
The quote that keeps coming to mind is from the Heidelberg Catechism:  (if you've never read it I highly encourage you to.)
Q. What is your only comfort

in life and in death?

A. That I am not my own,1
but belong—

body and soul,
in life and in death—2

to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ.3

He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood,4
and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil.5
He also watches over me in such a way6
that not a hair can fall from my head
without the will of my Father in heaven;7
in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.8

Because I belong to him,
Christ, by his Holy Spirit,
assures me of eternal life9
and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready
from now on to live for him.

This is True Peace.  Not worldly peace that so many are clinging to but peace of knowing where we belong and who's in charge.  

With that........The Koeman's are "taking a break."

11 Years!! Happy day sweet sweet girls!!

One of the girls said, "my friends have no idea why we celebrate this day."  I remember being in the hospital and the nurse saying, "today will be your new birthday."  I didn't put much stock into that.  It sounded fun, but we were waiting for an outcome, and when you have 5 kids you don't just change one kids birthday.  Over the years this day grows More and More important to us. This is not a celebration of one child.  Today is a celebration of faith, family, goodness and God's amazing peace that He has instilled in our hearts.  When I read back on blogs I feel uneasiness and anxiety, that at times, I felt to my core.  I sometimes feel anger, hopelessness, fatigue and peace.  How all emotions can hit you is crazy.  However today, we hug every one of our daughters and we are blessed to have felt every one of those emotions.
I can read back on those blogs, and feel blessed to see the outcome of today.  Even though not one of us knows the future, we can be sure God's sustaining love is going to carry us through, just He has the last 11 years.
HAPPY BONE MARROW DAY SWEET SWEET GIRLS!!!  Each one of you is ingrained in our hearts.  We love you more than words can ever say and are proud of the bond you have with each other.

Enough

Have you ever wondered, Am I enough?  I've been contemplating that all week for some reason.  A lot going on here, Steve has had a lot on his mind with committees and farming (or lack there of), Leah had a rough week with work and being supportive for friends, Megs is rocking it in school and tech center, college applications (but is busy),  Ash made basketball (so proud of her, but hard work coming out of a concussion), and the twins have things they are involved in and have been sick. 

Steve is FINALLY back in the fields, so that's been great.  Yields suck and so does weather, but he just has to get through.  So it's been the girls and I.  Having them older is SO MUCH EASIER.  But I feel as though I'm missing something.  A friend asked if I was going to make it to bible study this week, and I had to check my schedule to make sure I didn't forget anyone.  I also told her, I have to make sure Leah doesn't need me. 
I was talking to Leah about that comment and said, "you lived 6 months in Africa with out me, I know you're ok, but I'm just making sure." :)
Megan is busy with exciting stuff, but I worry I might not have listened well enough, and might forget a detail about her day. 
Ash, just wants her dad.  So when I pick her up and drop her off, I know, she just wants to talk to Steve.
I left Brooke home sick from school.  I had to work.  But she's not home alone, Leah is there.  Leah is an adult for goodness sake, but I feel, like I'm putting too much on her.
I dropped Macy off at school with a run down of her afternoon, who is picking her up and when. 

Does any of this make sense to you mama's?  As well as everything is going in life, I feel like I need a clone.  Like I'm not enough.  Do my kids know how much I LOVE THEM, and life is not just a well oiled machine? 

I listened to a devotional today in the car, (because reading and driving is frowned upon).  It just kept saying, "you are loved."  It settled in my heart.  I am definitely not enough.  I never will be.  All I can do is my best.  However we are all Love by God.  Day and night.  All my precious girls and amazing husband are Loved by God!  So I am aware I will never be enough, but I am reassured that HE is!!

You, my family are LOVED and CHERISHED!!!

Growing up!!!

Have you ever stop to consider how difficult and scary it is to grow up?  It's not something we can stop but yet, it's scary.  I remember at my wedding reception, sitting on my dads lap, crying, saying "am I ready for this?"  He laughed, and said, "You're married, you're not living in my house."   He then said, "but mom and I are always here.  Always!" 

We've had the privilege of going through the years with Leah and watching her experience.  I remember her junior and senior year sitting through a lot of meetings about colleges, when to visit, when to apply, what tests to take, financial aid, and on and on.  And I must be honest, more than once I broke out in hives!!   WOW, THE PRESSURE!!!  But we did everything asked.   All tests taken, even a few times, deadlines met.  And ya know what, God had different plans and those plans worked out too.  A different country and different colleges. 

So now we have another senior.  Steve and I have been to NO MEETINGS!!!  I don't want to hear about all the pressure and deadlines.  I want Megs to be Megs.  Steve would always ask teachers at parent teacher conferences, "how do our kids act toward other peers and teachers?  are they hard workers?"  When he heard they worked hard and they were letting God's light shine, that's all he needed to know.  He said, "then they are going to be fine." 
Meg's asked us to go on a college visit next month.  Absolutely!!  Can't wait to experience this with her.  But yet I know she is feeling all the pressure of growing up.  It's scary!!!!  But sweet sweet Megan, as long as you have Jesus and a great work ethic, you're going to be just fine.  And dad and I will ALWAYS be here for you!   ALWAYS!!!!

The day has come.......

I'm a day late with the "first day of school" post.  I'm still trying to figure out how to feel about it.  Monday came and I was crabby!  I wasn't ready.  It came too soon.  I can't say I had anything left to do, but it just didn't feel like time. 

This summer, this sweet girl above me, got a concussion.  I didn't know much, or even believe much in concussions until this.  See, I bought Macy a hover board for her birthday.  Steve said, "that's an accident waiting to happen."  I was like, "whatever."  2 days after purchase Ash hopped on it, in the kitchen, and fell so hard I thought she fell through the floor!  She was still conscious, but obviously seeing stars.  So we laid low, that night.  The next morning she wanted to run, to get ready for basketball camp.  So her and I went out.  One mile in, she passed out along side the road.  I called Leah and she came and picked up her unconscious sister.  Still not thinking concussion (it's not uncommon for Koemans to pass out), we went on with our life.  The next day she passed out and started twitching with Leah and Megan.  Then we went to ER!  (aren't you glad you are not my child).  After 2 ER trips, Head CT, pain meds, we made it to the concussion clinic and now therapy.  She has had a headache since July 3.  It has not gone away.  But in Ashley fashion, she carries on.  It's been a learning curve for Steve and I to monitor what she does.  She had to quit working, which has MAJORLY upset her.  When she mows and weed whips, the motion makes her vomit.  She couldn't  do water sports this summer, she missed church convention for a week, no sports camps, you get the picture.  We've tried to find things she can do, but it's been hard on her.  (however her and I can quote you just about anything from the Gilmore Girls :)  

So you see, I feel like her summer got robbed.  As a mom I'd do ANYTHING to have your child not be in pain.  I've researched, I've ranted at other concussion moms, I've tried any hocus pocus I don't actually believe will work, just in case it does.  But it comes down to time and patience.  All things we are learning.  We have seen a slight improvement, but I want more.  If you could join us in praying for a pain free Ashley, we'd be grateful!!

So here's to 2019-2020 school year.  A senior (not sure how that happened), a sophomore, and two 5th graders.  

And don't forget our college kid :)