Freedom and Tears

 It’s almost time!  The twins turn 16 THIS WEEK!!!  The excitement is mounting fast.  The cars are running.  They are washing them and “moving in.”  Getting them stocked with everything they feel they need.  Steve and I are so excited for them.  Who knew 16 years ago we would make it to this day!!  And here we are.  

And then as a mom………for 25 years, since Leah was born, I have been driving kids around.  It starts with daycare and doctors appts, trips to grandma’s and vacations.  Then school, school functions, sports and friends houses.  Every time a kid turned 16, I knew I had more.  I would dare say 90% of the time I have really enjoyed driving my girls around.  They talk, they banter back and forth, they sing.  You never know what they are going to say and at times I’d have to say, “stop talking.”  But was still a joy.  I was their captive audience and they were mine.  

So my point is, now what?  I have no one else to drive around.  This is uncharted territory for me.  Steve is jumping for joy :). We’ve have had quite the crazy schedules these last few years.  And maybe I won’t have as much time as I think.  I know my mini van will be confused as to what is going on, and I feel I will be just as confused.  So these last few days I will relish every minute with my girls in the car with me.  Whether they are fighting or laughing it’s all definitely ok.  And when Sunday comes around and they drive by themselves I may shed a tear or two, but I have never been so happy for them.  It’s been a wild 16 years, and I am excited for the next chapter for them.  Maybe a few more grey hairs for me.  

Psalm 136:1 Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever!!

God did this!!!

 It's been a long time since I've blogged.  The kids have their own stories and not always mine to share but theirs.  But the last few months have been a lot reflection on life.  Steve and I were able to witness Leah and Bryce get married this weekend.  And as I sat with a front row view, I leaned over to Steve and said, "we made some really beautiful kids."  Definitely a proud moment.  But my mind kept going to "God did this."  23 years ago when we brought Leah home, we were scared of messing her up.  Who let us be parents in the first place?  We had no idea what we were doing!!  I was certain we were going to screw this up.  However with the help of a very large community, we have seen her grow into the woman she is today.  

As we watched the wedding video, I said to Steve, "Leah is a grown woman and adult, she's gorgeous."  He looked at me like I was crazy,  (not the first time) she is 23 years old.  I have never seen Leah as an adult in my mind.  She's my little girl.  And over the past 4-5 years she has become one of my best friends.  But I saw something different this past weekend.  I saw a grown adult, a woman who loves Bryce, who loves the Lord.  I could not be more proud.  

I will always see her as my little girl.  She will always be my best friend and go too, as are the other girls.  Relationships are strange in that way.  

I cannot thank our village enough for shaping Leah.  Most of the village was able to share in the day with us.  There were many tears and lots of emotions.  As much as I was never ready for this day, I could not be more happy for Leah and Bryce.  For the new son in law we gained and his amazing family we can now call our friends and part of our village.  

Thanks to everyone that made the wedding of their dreams happen!!  

Can't fix it!

 As parents we want to fix things.  They're car breaks,  we fix it.  They're heart hurts, we hug them to make it feel better.  They're sick, we bring them meds, and food.  They call from Africa that they're COVID test came back positive and they can't fly home........................AND WE CAN'T FIX IT!!!!

That pretty much sums up our week.  There has been anger, MANY tears, chocolate, ice cream, cake, and lots of Facetime, but we can't fix it.  I've told myself many times to get my "poop in a group,"  "focus" but I can't.  As I sat on the porch tonight eating chips and dip, Ashley's favorite, I decided I don't want to "get my poop in a group" until she comes home. And luckily we have a plan before I'm 500 pounds.  

Ash has had one negative rapid COVID test.  Tomorrow she will go in for a test at a clinic.  If it's negative, they will book her a flight, and we will meet her at her destination in the states. If it's positive we will try and find an MD or possibly get a video visit from her MD here to clear her to fly home.  

The place she is with, Ocean's Ministries, is AMAZING!!!  She could not be with better people or have had better leaders go with her.  I will forever sing their praises.  

And Ashley is doing well.  She has her moments and this isn't ideal, but she even said, "I'd like to go to Beautiful gate sometime" where Leah was.  (Ash is in Fish Hoek).  She did say she's not traveling when stupid Covid is still around. 

As much as I dislike technology sometimes, I have never been so thankful for it now.  Hours of facetime, and tucking her in at night is what we look forward too.  Friends from here calling her, texting, and "taking her with for errands" has been a highlight.  But when I hug my 6'2" little girl I WILL NOT LET GO!!!!

Praying for a good smooth week!!  Safe travels for Ash and for Steve and I to pick her up.  Steve and I are aware she can catch a connecting flight to Chicago or Grand Rapids, but she doesn't have to.  Why add more stress to her than she already has.  This may be the only thing we CAN DO!!!  

I will update when we have more information and her!!!  Thanks for the prayers, and all the friends and family that have listened to us.  Ash said, "I'm learning to trust God, He just wasn't finished yet."  

We are thankful God is never finished with us, or He may have given up on this Mama this week.  

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!

 I must be honest.  I thought this Fathers day was going to look different.  My dad had a rough 6 months, and we had a hard time getting answers and resolutions.  I tried to keep my emotions in check and press on, but there were a few times I cried to Steve and friends about the unfairness and that I wasn't ready.  My kids weren't ready.  I was not ready to face this life, my kids and my mom with out him.  I felt so selfish at times.  Because I have watched friends lose their parents and be forced into the terrible reality of grief, and here I was begging for more time.   

I don't believe I will ever be "ready."  My dad has always been my biggest cheer leader, even when he probably shouldn't have been.  He has always believed in me.  He has always told me, "You can do anything you put your mind to, it doesn't matter that you're a girl."  Hence all my home improvement "projects" I think I can go and maybe mess up :)  Sorry Steve.  

But this year, we were blessed.  The patriarch of our family, got more time.  He had to work for it.  It didn't come for free.  We had to advocate and he had to sign up for a major surgery, but we see him coming back.  Physically and mentally.  Him and mom came out to visit up while camping.  The girls said, "grandpa you have on a new shirt."  Grandpa likes old shirts, not new ones :)  He said, "Yes, grandma planned to bury me in it, but I lived, so I thought I'd wear it for you."  That is grandpa humor.  And I don't ever want to take it for granted.  

On this Father's day, hug your dad's.  Don't worry about anything except spending time together.  Soak them in, every personality and funny comment.   Happy father's day!!!

This guy is pretty cool too!!  

Privilege!!

There is a giant smile in this tractor!!

 This week I had the privilege of being at a virtual visit with my dad and his cardiologist.  The doctor was very impressed with the progress and healing he had seen.  He re affirmed dad had scared us all with how severe his symptoms were, and we all questioned how recovery would go.  Dad said to the doctor, ,"do you like blueberries, because when they are ready I'm going to bring you blueberries.  I really appreciate all you did for us."  You must realize, when you are offered blueberries that is a token of deep thanks.  More precious than money or gold.  Thank you Dr. Willekes for giving us our dad and grandpa back, and giving us more time.  

Dad has lost 30# in 5 months.  So he's trying to slowly gain strength.  He's been back on the tractor, driving the truck, he has his naughty grin back and smart comments.  He has started cardiac rehab to gain strength and see how much his heart can take.  Dad thinks, at the age of 75, he should be able to work a good 12 hours a day.  That is an unrealistic expectation, but if you talk to my dad, he dreams big.  So he will keep striving to do more, and we love him for it.  

We want to thank everyone for all the prayers, cards, calls, food and well wishes over the past months. It has been a long haul. This poor man and my mom have been through a lot.  Seeing their marriage and love has been an inspiration to me.  Seeing how many people my parents have touched and friends they have, warms my heart.  We continue to pray for strength, endurance and patience.  God is so good!!!

Update on medical mysteries!

 I've thought about posting a few times but things are always changing!!!

The easy update is Ash.  They tried one med, it did nothing.  She passed out 8 times in March.  We saw her neurologist this week and he started a new med.  I have a lot of confidence in his advice and hope this works.  We will just stay the course and keep her upright.  5:30 am thuds on the floor need to stop.

Then my dad.  We've been to a few doctors, and have a few plans.  Pulmonary did another sleep study and will be starting him with a bipap machine at night.  He's not a huge fan of this, but if it helps he's willing to try.  He's been to a couple cardiologist, and they feel it's definitely his valve.  It was last replaced 12 years ago.  Why it went bad so fast, we will never know.  They have some theory's but no evidence.  In the end, he needs a new one.  His current valve is a pig valve, they will be replacing it with a cow valve.  But this will require open heart.  He said 12 years ago, "I will never do this again."  At that time, his grandkids were small and he wanted to see them grow up, and 10-15 years looked like a long ways away.  Well, here we are.  He told me at the office as he signed the papers for surgery, "I said I wasn't going to do this again."  I asked, through tears,  why he was doing it?  Our family by no means wants him to do something he doesn't want to, even though we aren't ready to let him go.  He said, his grandkids aren't babies anymore, but they have more growing to do.  Some of the girls have boyfriends, he wants to see where that goes.  He has 2 graduating from college soon and 3 graduating from high school soon. He has farming yet to do. He has a wife to continue to bug 😃  It comes down to, we all feel, God isn't finished yet.  There is still a plan for his life.  We have seen him feel better since he's been home, with med changes and a plan.  I think we are more at peace having him home and a plan.   Surgery was scheduled for this week, but due to some lab results and an illness, it's been pushed back.  We are praying he can push through this illness and will carry on.  

We appreciate the kindness and prayers and will keep you updated on this beautiful man.  God's peace and greatness is surrounding us and we will cling to Him.

  

Medical Mysteries

Have you every watched House or The Good Doctor?  It's probably my love of medicine and health care that I am intrigued by these 2 shows.  House, a cranky doctor, that has issues of his own, but can always seem to solve the most complex medical cases.   The Good Doctor, again, a doctor that has his own obstacles to overcome, has a brain to see the complex situations and find a treatment plan.  How I wish these doctors were real, and help us out right now.  

We were fortunate with Brooke's diagnosis and treatment, we did find something that worked.  She still is, and always will be, a medical mystery, but we have come to terms with that.  God has given us what we need to know, and has given us peace on what we don't. 

Unfortunately lately we are dealing with Ashley's continued fainting episodes.  So far there are no answers, and maybe there never will be.  We pretty much have been told, "she'll grow out of it."  Well at 6'2" I think we are done growing, and it's altering her life.  So we are trying to pursue more testing and see if we can get this kid a normal life.  We do make light of her situation, because others have it so difficult.  And she is fortunate to know when it's coming, so she can be sitting, or more often, we catch her.  I can't carry her around like I did when she was little, but Steve and I have gotten good at bear hugging our "little" girl and holding on tight til she comes to.  We know how much we love her and hold her tight, so thinking of how much the Lord loves her and is holding her tighter yet gives us comfort.  

Then onto the other man in my life, my dad.  They made the trip home from Florida this weekend.  Dad had health issues prior to leaving for Florida and was told warm weather and walking would help rehab.  Well, after 3 more hospitalizations, shortness of breath, more weight loss and fatigue, the above advice was wishful, but not right.  Cardiology says it's a lung issue: pulmonology says it's a heart issue.  No one is actually finding out the issue.  It's time to try something different.  The weather isn't as nice here, so they can't get outside like in Florida, but they do have determined family to try and help.  We have his name and information in at Mayo Clinic and are waiting to see if he gets an appointment there.  He also has a doctors appointment this week.  He just wants to know what he's dealing with.  When this man isn't able to drive tractors and doesn't want to eat ice cream WE HAVE AN ISSUE!!!  We pray we find answers and quickly and that God will protect him and mom through this journey.  

We are aware there is only one True Healer.  That is not House or The Good Doctor.  It's our Heavenly Father.  He is showing us His way, peace, patience and importance of being there for each other.  If you have time to pray for my parents and Ashley that would be greatly appreciated.  We have faith in Him. 

This is Ashley's motto in life :)  LOVE THIS KID!!