Enough

Have you ever wondered, Am I enough?  I've been contemplating that all week for some reason.  A lot going on here, Steve has had a lot on his mind with committees and farming (or lack there of), Leah had a rough week with work and being supportive for friends, Megs is rocking it in school and tech center, college applications (but is busy),  Ash made basketball (so proud of her, but hard work coming out of a concussion), and the twins have things they are involved in and have been sick. 

Steve is FINALLY back in the fields, so that's been great.  Yields suck and so does weather, but he just has to get through.  So it's been the girls and I.  Having them older is SO MUCH EASIER.  But I feel as though I'm missing something.  A friend asked if I was going to make it to bible study this week, and I had to check my schedule to make sure I didn't forget anyone.  I also told her, I have to make sure Leah doesn't need me. 
I was talking to Leah about that comment and said, "you lived 6 months in Africa with out me, I know you're ok, but I'm just making sure." :)
Megan is busy with exciting stuff, but I worry I might not have listened well enough, and might forget a detail about her day. 
Ash, just wants her dad.  So when I pick her up and drop her off, I know, she just wants to talk to Steve.
I left Brooke home sick from school.  I had to work.  But she's not home alone, Leah is there.  Leah is an adult for goodness sake, but I feel, like I'm putting too much on her.
I dropped Macy off at school with a run down of her afternoon, who is picking her up and when. 

Does any of this make sense to you mama's?  As well as everything is going in life, I feel like I need a clone.  Like I'm not enough.  Do my kids know how much I LOVE THEM, and life is not just a well oiled machine? 

I listened to a devotional today in the car, (because reading and driving is frowned upon).  It just kept saying, "you are loved."  It settled in my heart.  I am definitely not enough.  I never will be.  All I can do is my best.  However we are all Love by God.  Day and night.  All my precious girls and amazing husband are Loved by God!  So I am aware I will never be enough, but I am reassured that HE is!!

You, my family are LOVED and CHERISHED!!!

Growing up!!!

Have you ever stop to consider how difficult and scary it is to grow up?  It's not something we can stop but yet, it's scary.  I remember at my wedding reception, sitting on my dads lap, crying, saying "am I ready for this?"  He laughed, and said, "You're married, you're not living in my house."   He then said, "but mom and I are always here.  Always!" 

We've had the privilege of going through the years with Leah and watching her experience.  I remember her junior and senior year sitting through a lot of meetings about colleges, when to visit, when to apply, what tests to take, financial aid, and on and on.  And I must be honest, more than once I broke out in hives!!   WOW, THE PRESSURE!!!  But we did everything asked.   All tests taken, even a few times, deadlines met.  And ya know what, God had different plans and those plans worked out too.  A different country and different colleges. 

So now we have another senior.  Steve and I have been to NO MEETINGS!!!  I don't want to hear about all the pressure and deadlines.  I want Megs to be Megs.  Steve would always ask teachers at parent teacher conferences, "how do our kids act toward other peers and teachers?  are they hard workers?"  When he heard they worked hard and they were letting God's light shine, that's all he needed to know.  He said, "then they are going to be fine." 
Meg's asked us to go on a college visit next month.  Absolutely!!  Can't wait to experience this with her.  But yet I know she is feeling all the pressure of growing up.  It's scary!!!!  But sweet sweet Megan, as long as you have Jesus and a great work ethic, you're going to be just fine.  And dad and I will ALWAYS be here for you!   ALWAYS!!!!

The day has come.......

I'm a day late with the "first day of school" post.  I'm still trying to figure out how to feel about it.  Monday came and I was crabby!  I wasn't ready.  It came too soon.  I can't say I had anything left to do, but it just didn't feel like time. 

This summer, this sweet girl above me, got a concussion.  I didn't know much, or even believe much in concussions until this.  See, I bought Macy a hover board for her birthday.  Steve said, "that's an accident waiting to happen."  I was like, "whatever."  2 days after purchase Ash hopped on it, in the kitchen, and fell so hard I thought she fell through the floor!  She was still conscious, but obviously seeing stars.  So we laid low, that night.  The next morning she wanted to run, to get ready for basketball camp.  So her and I went out.  One mile in, she passed out along side the road.  I called Leah and she came and picked up her unconscious sister.  Still not thinking concussion (it's not uncommon for Koemans to pass out), we went on with our life.  The next day she passed out and started twitching with Leah and Megan.  Then we went to ER!  (aren't you glad you are not my child).  After 2 ER trips, Head CT, pain meds, we made it to the concussion clinic and now therapy.  She has had a headache since July 3.  It has not gone away.  But in Ashley fashion, she carries on.  It's been a learning curve for Steve and I to monitor what she does.  She had to quit working, which has MAJORLY upset her.  When she mows and weed whips, the motion makes her vomit.  She couldn't  do water sports this summer, she missed church convention for a week, no sports camps, you get the picture.  We've tried to find things she can do, but it's been hard on her.  (however her and I can quote you just about anything from the Gilmore Girls :)  

So you see, I feel like her summer got robbed.  As a mom I'd do ANYTHING to have your child not be in pain.  I've researched, I've ranted at other concussion moms, I've tried any hocus pocus I don't actually believe will work, just in case it does.  But it comes down to time and patience.  All things we are learning.  We have seen a slight improvement, but I want more.  If you could join us in praying for a pain free Ashley, we'd be grateful!!

So here's to 2019-2020 school year.  A senior (not sure how that happened), a sophomore, and two 5th graders.  

And don't forget our college kid :)  

Let me tell you bout my best friend.........

25 years!!!  That's how long ago I married my best friend.  27 years ago, that's when I met my best friend.  I never planned it that way, I just wanted to go out to dinner.  I like food :)  But he was funny, easy to talk to and accepted me for me. 
We had no idea what 25 years would look like, and we agreed, we were happy we did not know.  Of the 25 there's only one year we would not want to repeat. Any other ups and downs we made it through well. With Brooke's rough year, we made it as well, but we never want to see a child in that much pain.
The conversation then went to, what does the next 25 look like.  The first 25 years were honeymoon period, having babies and raising littles.  I want to clone that time!  If I was young I'd have 5 more kiddos, but that ship has sailed.  The next 25 years, is kiddo's growing up.  Girls have boyfriends.  Oh boy!  Lord willing, our family will increase, in His time. 
Steve said to me along time ago, "no matter what happens, you and I, we'll be ok."  That has stuck with me. In sickness, in trials, in disagreements, in good and bad.   We are going to be ok!  I got your back, my BFF!

Planting 2019, or not.

Steve has said a few times, "we need to put something on facebook about planting this year."  When I ask him what to write, there's crickets.  He has no words.  So I'm going to try a find a few.

We had the privilege of going to a friends cottage this past weekend in Indiana.  When you are a farmer that means........CROP TOUR!   Our children have come to expect it.  We drive and talk about fields, what's planted, growth, color, stance etc.  We were told Indiana is really bad this year.  What we found is, it's not good, definitely a late plant, drowned out spots and I'm sure harvest won't be as plentiful, but it's planted.

This week Steve had meetings with Michigan Soybean promotion committee and Michigan Soybean association.  Farmers from all over the state.  They came to Holland this time so I was able to meet them.  They had a Hope College bus,  Steve brought them to our farm and on a small crop tour.  One farmer said, "I don't know what to say, I'm not trying to brag, but we at least have our fields planted."  It was interesting for me to sit and listen to the farmers hash over what they were seeing, how to deal with this year, and how to move forward.

I've had people ask, "what's it like to have Steve around all the time now?"  He's not around.  He still goes to work 7:30am to 5:00pm.  He didn't have his busy season where he worked 18+ hours a day.  But this year is unknown.  He knows how to buy seed, plant it, sprays etc.  But now he's learning how to return seed, studying what happens if he keeps it for another year, running numbers of what preventive plant and crop insurance looks like, what cover crops are needed to give the soil the right nutrients, and on and on.  This is unknown territory.

This year we have not even 25% of the fields planted.  That's a lot of unplanted fields waiting for cover crops.

Farming is always a gamble.  I've watched my parents over the years have their ups and downs.  And now we get to live it ourselves.  We were in the kitchen and a friend asked how it was going.  Macy perked up and said, "we're all eating, so I think we're fine."  And that is so true.  Like anything in life, Faith carries us through.  This is not the year Steve or any farmer wanted.  Not just farmers,  it goes down the line to the grocery stores and the consumers.
But we have Faith!  Next year is another year.  God has always provided and He will continue.

I found this fitting last night.  Looking over an unplanted field at His awesome sunset!  God's got this!! 

"Legacy"

I've written a few posts over the last few months but I've never actually published them on the blog.  It's strange with the girls getting older, life is their journey.  I feel if something gets written about them, I must have permission.  Brooke is old enough to know her "history" and sometimes she likes to keep it her "history."  A while back she was reading the blog.  My grandma has the blog in books, so Brooke will read through it.  She came out of her room around 10pm, Megs and I were watching TV and Brooke was crying.  She said, "I am SO sorry for what I put you all through.  It must have been terrible."  With those words, there were 2 crying girls and a crying mom.  We explained to her we'd do it all again, for anyone of these precious girls.  The blog has been an amazing tool to keep people updated on this journey, but it's also been great for Brooke to look at her past.

With that being said, April is Brooke's doctor month.  We try and see all the doctors and get labs done.  So far nothing but good reports.  There are always things that won't be "normal" but they are her normal.  Nothing we need to worry about.  Brooke enjoyed her BMT appointment and said, "mom all those people were so happy to see me, but I don't remember them."   One of her nurses called Brooke a "legacy."  That brought a smile to my heart.  Doesn't everyone want to leave some sort of legacy.
We've also seen ENT, endocrine and nephrology (kidney) doctors.  She's had xrays, ultrasounds and blood work.  I use to go online and scour through all the numbers and test results.  But I don't anymore.  I tell myself I need to be more diligent.  I am a nurse for goodness sake.  But I just want to enjoy my kids.  Everyone of them.  I leave the medical stuff to the doctors and just let the kids have their fun.
Brooke and Macy did a girls run club this spring.  Macy rocked out that race on Saturday. So proud of her.  Leah and Brooke got up early to cheer on their sister.  Brooke seems to have hurt her knee.  We are still waiting to see what's wrong exactly, but after 2 weeks I think she's getting slightly better.
 
Ash has been playing lacrosse.  A learning curve for all of us.  We are starting catch on.  It's fun to watch.

Meg's just had prom this weekend.  So pretty!  She cleans up very well :)  So fun to watch them grow up. 

And Leah is finished up a semester at Baker College and starts another one soon.  She also works in ER.  It's fun having someone else in health care.  And having a big sister to help with all these girls. 

It's time to embark on summer, camping, warm weather and slower schedules.  See if we can all find our Legacies.